Dr. Suresh Kumar Mishra ‘Uratript’
Dr. Suresh Kumar Mishra, known for his wit and wisdom, is a prolific writer, renowned satirist, children’s literature author, and poet. He has undertaken the monumental task of writing, editing, and coordinating a total of 55 books for the Telangana government at the primary school, college, and university levels. His editorial endeavors also include online editions of works by Acharya Ramchandra Shukla.
As a celebrated satirist, Dr. Suresh Kumar Mishra has carved a niche for himself, with over eight million viewers, readers, and listeners tuning in to his literary musings on the demise of a teacher on the Sahitya AajTak channel. His contributions have earned him prestigious accolades such as the Telangana Hindi Academy’s Shreshtha Navyuva Rachnakaar Samman in 2021, presented by the honorable Chief Minister of Telangana, Mr. Chandrashekhar Rao. He has also been honored with the Vyangya Yatra Ravindranath Tyagi Stairway Award and the Sahitya Srijan Samman, alongside recognition from Prime Minister Narendra Modi and various other esteemed institutions.
Dr. Suresh Kumar Mishra’s journey is not merely one of literary accomplishments but also a testament to his unwavering dedication, creativity, and profound impact on society. His story inspires us to strive for excellence, to use our talents for the betterment of others, and to leave an indelible mark on the world.
Some precious moments of life
- Honoured with ‘Shrestha Navayuvva Rachnakar Samman’ by former Chief Minister of Telangana Government, Shri K. Chandrasekhar Rao.
- Honoured with Oscar, Grammy, Jnanpith, Sahitya Akademi, Dadasaheb Phalke, Padma Bhushan and many other awards by the most revered Gulzar sahab (Sampurn Singh Kalra), the lighthouse of the world of literature and cinema, during the Sahitya Suman Samman held in Mumbai.
- Meeting the famous litterateur Shri Vinod Kumar Shukla Ji, honoured with Jnanpith Award.
- Got the privilege of meeting Mr. Perfectionist of Bollywood, actor Aamir Khan.
- Meeting the powerful actor Vicky Kaushal on the occasion of being honoured by Vishva Katha Rangmanch.
Today we present his Satire – Less Oil, More Gas.
☆ Witful Warmth# 76 ☆
☆ Satire ☆ Less Oil, More Gas… ☆ Dr. Suresh Kumar Mishra ‘Uratript’ ☆
Oh brother, my brain turned into a spinning top the moment I stepped into that petrol pump! People say the world is round, but I say the world is a big ‘zero’! As soon as I arrived on my old, broken scooter, the salesman smiled like a movie hero. Moving his chewing tobacco to one side of his cheek, he said, “Brother, look at the zero on the meter!” I also acted cool, squared my shoulders, and said, “I see it, dude, the meter is completely empty.” But the real trick was hidden behind that zero. Looking at that zero is like reading a wedding bio-data that says the boy has ‘good manners’—but from the inside, sir, they have coded seventy different tricks. I thought only my wallet would get lighter, but my scooter’s engine started crying so loudly, like a bride’s friends crying at a wedding farewell. I don’t know what kind of petrol they put in, but it felt like they mixed Thums-Up and cough syrup together and fed it to my scooter. The whole system shook up!
Now, let me tell you the whole list of tricks used by these petrol pump people, and it will blow your mind. Their first trick is how they hold the nozzle, which is the petrol gun. They hold it like villain Mogambo’s gun! Half of the petrol turns into vapor and flies into the clouds to chat on WhatsApp. The meter needle jumps around like a fast mouse. It skips numbers entirely, just like backbenchers disappear from a classroom. The meter that shows the density or purity of the oil is always stuck in one place, like a government clerk glued to his chair with Fevicol. After putting the nozzle into the petrol tank, the boy clicks the trigger on and off like a DJ playing a remix in a disco—click, click, click! The petrol smells so bad, like old leather shoe polish. It is mixed with so much junk that a chemistry professor would lose his mind. If you ask for filter paper to check the purity, they make a face as if you asked for their family property. The card swipe machine suddenly loses its network the exact moment you don’t have change in your pocket. If your bill is a little over the round figure, they will say, “Sir, Madam, take a candy, we don’t have change,” as if they have opened a chocolate factory instead of a bank!
They open the tank cap at lightning speed. You will feel like you are sitting in a magic show instead of a petrol pump. Before the last drop of petrol can fall, they shake the pipe like a laundryman beating wet clothes, pulling half a drop back into their own vault. They will trick you by saying, “Sir, this Premium petrol has an extra-mileage capsule mixed in it.” But that extra mileage only goes to their bank balance, while your scooter moves like a slow tortoise. They keep the lights on the digital meter so dim that at night you would need to light a candle and call CID detectives to read it. The free air compressor machine is always snoring with a board that says, “Bro, it broke down just yesterday.” If you ask for the complaint book, they look at you as if you asked for both of their kidneys. They keep the nozzle pipe so long that half a liter of oil stays asleep inside the stomach of the pipe itself. The bill receipt paper is so cheap that the print disappears in the sun within two minutes, like horns from a donkey’s head!
Sometimes the petrol is so white it looks like toned buffalo milk—your vehicle won’t run, it will probably freeze into yogurt! The tick-tick sound of the meter starts running faster than your heartbeat. The salesman’s style of distracting you is amazing. He will say, “Oh brother, look behind you, who is going there?” The moment you turn your head, a few rupees worth of petrol disappears into thin air! The paste used to check water mixing is always ‘out of stock,’ as if they ate all the paste themselves. The rubber grip of the nozzle is torn on purpose so that fuel leaks and falls back into their machine, cutting your pocket. When you give them big currency notes, they count them so slowly, like the Governor of the Reserve Bank checking for fake notes. It is a ninja technique to waste your time, boss! That VIP lane where normal public is sent just to make an extra charge is a total shortcut for them to get rich. The machine’s keypad is broken, so when you press one button, something else gets pressed, ruining the bill. The glass of the purity checking machine is so blurry that your own face looks like a ghost in it.
The nozzle holder is always kept loose so that the pressure stays low and more air gets in. Because of the cheap liquids mixed in the petrol, the vehicle’s engine coughs like an old grandfather with asthma. There is a myth about getting petrol early in the morning. When the density is right in the morning, they will say, “Sir, stock is empty, the tanker is coming.” This means when the time is right, the shop is closed! Instead, they sell petrol in the burning afternoon heat when liquids expand. This way, you get less oil and more gas, making you feel like you are running your scooter on an LPG gas cylinder! They have a tiny remote hidden behind the machine. With one click of a button, the meter runs at the speed of a cheetah, and your brain blows a fuse. The tiny net at the mouth of the nozzle turns the petrol into foam. The tank gets filled with foam, and the salesman says, “It’s full, boss!” If you say, “Put 1000 rupees worth,” they stop it midway and say, “Oh brother, I didn’t hear you, let me add more.” And without resetting the old meter, they play their game and cheat you!
Listen to their sweet talking, it can literally make your ears bleed. They will say, “Brother, your vehicle’s engine oil has turned completely pitch black. Change it right now or the engine will blast!” They make predictions like they are relatives of a famous fortune-teller. In the name of Nitrogen air, they fill your tires with normal oxygen and charge extra money, just like companies sell air inside potato chips packets! They make excuses for digital payments by saying, “The QR code is not scanning, please give cash, brother,” just so they can hide their money and avoid taxes. If you ask them to give petrol in a plastic bottle, they will quote the law saying that petrol in bottles is banned. Why? Because in a clear bottle, their theft would be easily caught! The staff members have their own secret codes. For example, if one says, “Go clean that side,” it actually means, “Lower the pressure of that machine and cheat the customer!” The tip of the nozzle is always bent so the oil doesn’t fall straight. Even when they press the reset button and it goes click-click, the numbers start from the old amount. It is a total scam!
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© Dr. Suresh Kumar Mishra ‘Uratript’
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≈ Blog Editor – Shri Hemant Bawankar/Editor (English) – Captain Pravin Raghuvanshi, NM ≈
