Dr. Suresh Kumar Mishra ‘Uratript’
Dr. Suresh Kumar Mishra, known for his wit and wisdom, is a prolific writer, renowned satirist, children’s literature author, and poet. He has undertaken the monumental task of writing, editing, and coordinating a total of 55 books for the Telangana government at the primary school, college, and university levels. His editorial endeavors also include online editions of works by Acharya Ramchandra Shukla.
As a celebrated satirist, Dr. Suresh Kumar Mishra has carved a niche for himself, with over eight million viewers, readers, and listeners tuning in to his literary musings on the demise of a teacher on the Sahitya AajTak channel. His contributions have earned him prestigious accolades such as the Telangana Hindi Academy’s Shreshtha Navyuva Rachnakaar Samman in 2021, presented by the honorable Chief Minister of Telangana, Mr. Chandrashekhar Rao. He has also been honored with the Vyangya Yatra Ravindranath Tyagi Stairway Award and the Sahitya Srijan Samman, alongside recognition from Prime Minister Narendra Modi and various other esteemed institutions.
Dr. Suresh Kumar Mishra’s journey is not merely one of literary accomplishments but also a testament to his unwavering dedication, creativity, and profound impact on society. His story inspires us to strive for excellence, to use our talents for the betterment of others, and to leave an indelible mark on the world.
Some precious moments of life
- Honoured with ‘Shrestha Navayuvva Rachnakar Samman’ by former Chief Minister of Telangana Government, Shri K. Chandrasekhar Rao.
- Honoured with Oscar, Grammy, Jnanpith, Sahitya Akademi, Dadasaheb Phalke, Padma Bhushan and many other awards by the most revered Gulzar sahab (Sampurn Singh Kalra), the lighthouse of the world of literature and cinema, during the Sahitya Suman Samman held in Mumbai.
- Meeting the famous litterateur Shri Vinod Kumar Shukla Ji, honoured with Jnanpith Award.
- Got the privilege of meeting Mr. Perfectionist of Bollywood, actor Aamir Khan.
- Meeting the powerful actor Vicky Kaushal on the occasion of being honoured by Vishva Katha Rangmanch.
Today we present his Satire – Do You Want to Get Slim?
☆ Witful Warmth# 72 ☆
☆ Satire ☆ Do You Want to Get Slim? ☆ Dr. Suresh Kumar Mishra ‘Uratript’ ☆
In our country, being chubby is not a health issue; it’s treated like a national crime! The moment you walk down the street, every random neighbor auntie and grumpy office uncle turns into a Supreme Court judge, passing a final verdict on your belly. It’s the middle of June, and the sun is so hot it could literally melt a school bus. But our stubborn belly fat? It sticks to us like a corrupt politician sticks to his government chair. To lose weight, people put on sports shorts and run in parks every morning, panting so hard you’d think Yamraj’s scariest buffalo is chasing them at full speed. But the result? Big fat zero! All these expensive gyms and diet plans are just a giant trap to steal your pocket money. Forget them. We need some highly dangerous, top-secret, and hilarious tricks that will melt your fat and completely crush your family’s overconfidence.
The very first holy step on this fat-burning journey is to take a big rock and smash the largest, shiniest mirror in your house. Why? Because every morning, that evil mirror shows your belly looking three times bigger than it actually is, like a pending government file. Once the ugly truth is out of sight, you will automatically feel a deep, beautiful sadness that will make you hate food.
Eating boiled vegetables and grass is for losers. The real problem isn’t food; it’s this annoying society that keeps measuring everyone else’s waistline. Want a killer workout? Go to a relative’s wedding. Instead of attacking the paneer stalls or the rasgulla counter like a starving wolf, do something else. Find that one super-cranky Fufa Ji (uncle) who throws a tantrum if his paneer piece is too small. Just follow him around. Listening to his toxic, fiery, and bitter insults will burn your blood instantly—and when your blood burns, your fat evaporates into the sky like steam!
If that doesn’t work, try the guava trap. Go to your neighborhood’s scariest uncle’s garden and pretend to steal two guavas. This is the uncle who never talks without waving a giant wooden stick. When his roaring German Shepherd runs after you, and the angry uncle chases you with the stick, the cardio exercise you get will be way better than anything a fancy foreign gym trainer can ever teach you.
If you really want to dry yourself up until you look like a skinny matchstick, you must copy how Indian government offices work. No one in the universe can reduce your weight and fat faster than a government clerk. Just walk into a municipal corporation or electricity department office. Take a fake, blank file and stubbornly demand to get it passed. The main clerk on the third floor will send you to the peon on the first floor, who will send you back to the second floor. They will make you run in circles around the building so much that your knees will lose their grease, and your fat will cry for mercy.
When traveling in a crowded metro or bus, make a strict promise to yourself: never sit down, even if a seat is completely empty. Always stand right under a 100 kg, heavily sweating passenger who looks like he might fall on you at any second. The extreme fear and ultimate balance needed to survive that national danger will wake up every single sleeping muscle in your body, making your weight drop like a stone.
Also, at 2:00 PM in the blazing afternoon heat, put exactly 50 rupees of petrol into your junk scooty and drive out onto a lonely highway. When the vehicle takes its last breath and dies in the middle of nowhere, and you have to push it for 5 kilometers back home, you will achieve true inner peace and ultimate slimness.
There are weight-loss secrets hidden in family life that even famous Yoga gurus are afraid to print in their books! On a Sunday, agree to go to a giant shopping mall with your mom or sister. Walk behind them silently like a loyal helper, carrying ten heavy bags. The distance covered while women choose between fifty different shades of the same color is longer, more painful, and burns more fat than an Olympic Marathon.
If you are a young guy looking for a shortcut, try making friends with your crush’s big brother, especially if he is the scariest bully in the neighborhood. The sheer terror will keep you awake at night, making your heart race like a bullet train and melting your body fat like a burning candle. Even at home, if your younger brother or sister asks you for the TV remote or a snack, do not give it to them. Instead, grab it and start running like a maniac through every room and up to the terrace. This epic family civil war will not only entertain the whole neighborhood for free, but it will also shrink your waist by 4 inches without any dieting.
The absolute best and most natural weight-loss course in this capitalist world is to have a completely empty pocket. When you are totally broke, the delicious smell of burgers, pizzas, and street food will only enter your nose and lungs; it will never reach your stomach. You will become peaceful and wise like Gautam Buddha—mostly because you are starving.
Finally, go to the local park in the morning and sit among those people who do that fake “Laughing Yoga” by raising their hands and laughing like Ravana for no reason. Stand up and start giving a very boring, serious speech about rising taxes, school fees, and the falling economy. Those laughing people will instantly get furious, pick up their walking sticks, and chase you. The speed at which you will run to save your life will be the highest form of International Aerobics!
Sell your comfortable, luxury sofa to the scrap dealer immediately. Sitting on it makes you feel like a king, lying down for hours like a lazy python with a TV remote. Instead, practice sitting directly on the hard, cold floor. The hardness of the floor will constantly remind your hip fat of its true social status. In the afternoon, when the power goes out and the inverter dies, don’t curse the electricity board. Take a hand-held bamboo fan and fan your entire sleeping family. Cooling their chests will make your own weight fly away like a kite.
By using these sharp, sarcastic, and completely crazy methods, you will not only say goodbye to your extra fat forever, but you will also slap this judge-y society right across the face—a slap so thin and powerful that it will shake the needle of your weighing machine down to zero!
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© Dr. Suresh Kumar Mishra ‘Uratript’
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≈ Blog Editor – Shri Hemant Bawankar/Editor (English) – Captain Pravin Raghuvanshi, NM ≈
